In the last 5-6 years, the face of social networking has changed so much, that it is so very easy and takes just seconds to get in touch with anyone across the world. I used to struggle to use Skype call few years back. Communication was through mail or Google Chat. Now we have so many new apps that can help us keep in touch with our family and friends. Too many, in fact. I doubt if these apps are really helping people to connect better or actually making the situation worse. With so much of communication happening with friends and family, are we really connecting with the other person? Forget about people outside of family, are we able to have a heartfelt connection with our own family? Are we really speaking our heart with the family members or those who make a difference in our lives? Being connected is different from communicating.
Last week one lady client walked into my office with two very adorable cute kids. I stroke a conversation with the little ones and was so impressed with their English. They are hardly 5 years old and were speaking such good English with no grammatical mistakes. I was reflecting back at my own life, my teacher used to punish us for not speaking English in the class at least till I was in standard VIII. Of course, education moved into a different level altogether. I appreciated my client and her kids for their wonderful English, she enjoyed the compliment and started telling me that she wanted her kids to have wonderful communication skills and explained me the pains she takes to ensure her kids speak good English.
When we moved on to discussion about her health challenges, she said her TSH levels were on higher side and she had hypothyroidism from the time she gave birth to her elder kid. The issue first showed up in her regular checkups during her first pregnancy and continued till date. In order to understand emotional issues behind this, we started discussion about her childhood and her life post-marriage.
Her childhood story is not so very different from many of my other female clients. She was princess of her house, even before she could ask for something, it was given. She was the priority for her parents. Any issue or challenge she faced in her life, her parents stood beside her to handle the challenge. But things changed post her marriage, the status which she enjoyed at her mother’s place is no more available to her. She is not anyone’s priority, not even husband's. Circumstances were different, people were different, their understanding of situations and life were different. At times, she even felt ridiculed for her point of view. Because she didn't know how to express her true feelings, she felt her feelings were never taken into consideration at in-laws place. Not too different story from many of the lives we look around us. This frustration has shown up in different ways, she had become a very angry person, shouting and yelling at even a small issue. Aggression has become a major part of her life now. People now recognise or acknowledge her aggression if not her by default. It gives a satisfaction that she is recognized by the family. But the real connection and communication never happened.
A girl who lived 20 plus years as a Princess of her house, when gets into a new family expects a somewhat similar treatment. But if faced with different experiences altogether within her new family, she would obviously experience trauma. Because she wasn’t heard a couple of times, she stopped communicating with others including her husband. She stopped speaking her truth. What do we mean by speaking our truth? Does it mean that we are speaking lies? When we say speaking your truth, it is expressing your true feelings and thoughts or even emotional needs in any situation or simply being authentic. Why is it important to express your truth? We assume how we feel is understood by others because it seems obvious to us. Especially with spouse or intimate relations, we feel, don't you understand even this obvious thing. But for any event there can be many points of view, our feelings depend on which perspective we are experiencing the event. And our emotional needs also differ from person to person. Unless we express effectively, others will not be able to understand. Say we are at a cross roads and we have seen an accident, along with us ten other people also witnessed the event. If we go and speak to all the ten people, we will get ten different truths. Event is one, but ten people having different versions, because for each of them what they have seen is the truth. When you stop speaking or communicating your truth, then your thyroid glands would start to dysfunction.
If we think it’s only females who experience hypothyroidism then we are mistaken, even males experience hypothyroidism. I had a male client who was around 30 years, has come to me with a complaint of hypothyroidism. I wondered how come a male can have this complaint. When we discussed further about his life, he felt suppression during his childhood and also post marriage. Being a single child of the family, his mother controlled his life and never allowed him to do something which he liked but had to follow whatever his mother asked him to do so. And being a shy and sensitive child, he really never expressed what he liked to do but obediently followed her lead. He thought life would change post marriage. In fact, he can’t invite anyone as life partner other than one like his mother. We all choose a partner who is exactly like the parent we had most problems with. His wife, like his mother controlled him. My client couldn’t open up himself in front of his wife too. He never learnt how to express himself. He suppressed his true feelings and thoughts because no one would listen to whatever he says. He was never felt heard in all his 30 years of life, his job is just to follow his mother and wife. In the process, he attracted hypothyroidism.
In this case, my client has become submissive instead of aggressive like the previous client. He always lived in a constant fear that he opens mouth, many more issues would surface and the whole situation would become worse. It’s better to keep mouth shut rather open up and invite challenges in life. So he swallowed all the emotions and kept them for himself.
Going back to the first example of my female client, wanting to impart good communication skills to her two little ones, any mother would love to do so. What we need to understand is, what exactly do we mean by communication skills? Are they just good language(s) or authentically expressing yourself? Having a good language doesn’t necessarily mean that we can communicate well. Communicating well is the ability to express our self, ability to speak up our truth, without fear of rebuke or rejection.
A simple technique to manage this disorder would be, open up with your family members and speak up your truth. Speaking up your truth doesn’t mean you have to fight to prove your point. You can speak up your true emotions and feelings and express your point of view with a little tact, it is family member’s choice if they would want to take it or leave it. It can be a simple and straight forward discussion with mutual good will and openness.
If you still think you can't speak up in front of family members, then take up a paper and pen, choose a place at your home and a suitable time to practice free-form writing for a few weeks. Just allow all your thoughts, feelings to come out and put them all down on paper without judging or thinking about them. Trick of the trade, is to ensure that you follow same time and same place. And also ensure you are alone by yourself in that room while you practice. As you release all suppressed emotions and reactions on to paper, you will notice your verbal communication improves too.
Once all the suppressed emotions are released, automatically your thyroid gland would start working properly. However, you really need to be authentic with yourself while doing the exercise. When we say being authentic with yourself, it means acknowledging to yourself your true feelings and emotions, no window dressing. When you can be authentic with yourself, you will also be able to express your true feelings with others without fear of rejection.
Medical Disclaimer: Ignoring Hypothyroidism can lead to dangerous situations. Not addressing Hypothyroidism can lead to multi organ failure and can lead to death also. The above discussed are some of the emotional reasons for Hypothyroidism from the author’s experience. This is no replacement to medical attention / assistance. Please consult your doctor for medical help.
Ramakrishna Maguluri
Engaging with life
ELAI
engagingwithlife@yahoo.com
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