Prisoners of Conditioning
We discussed about childhood conditioning in the last article and how it influences the way we see the world and live our lives. Conditioning happens in several layers, at personality level, at belief level, at behaviour level and so on. How we shape up as an adult is due to these influences we pick up as children from the world around us, our parents, other adults or other children. Because of our conditioning, we behave like puppets pulled by some unseen hands instead of being able to behave in a way we like to. We are prisoners of our conditioning. In this article, we see how conditioning happens through our parents and our reactions to our parent’s attitudes.
How many times we might have heard or said that the behaviour of this kid is exactly like their mother or father. Not that there is anything wrong in copying parents, we just notice the same traits and behaviours. For children, their entire world revolves around parents. So they tend to follow and replicate their parents without any conscious effort. Whatever mother and father does, that’s the best thing to do and they do exactly the same. That behaviour may continue even as they grow into adulthood. Or surprisingly, they may exhibit exact opposite behaviour of the parent. I had a friend who is meek and people pleaser, and when I met her mother I was so surprised to see she is exactly opposite, very dominating and authoritative. Copying is more like a photocopy, a replica. Rebelling is like exhibiting opposite trait, attitude or behaviour. Do you remember those cameras with negative films in olden days? The negative had to be developed to see the real snapshot. Our rebel behaviour is like those negative films of our parents behaviour. Imagine some parts of your mom as a photocopy and some parts of your dad on a negative film and paste all of it as a mosaic, it is you. Very funny isn't it?
Children have an amazing ability to notice and understand adult behaviours. Any psychologist will tell you, children are more keen observers than us, adults. If a parent shouts, argues or criticises someone in front of child, the child very quickly understands what it is all about and makes a judgement about their parent’s behaviour. We think we teach children judgement. But they too are human beings making sense of the world, they constantly judge situations and decide they like it or not like it. If they like a particular behaviour they copy it. When they do not like some behaviour or attitude, they may copy without realising it or they may turn out exactly opposite so that they can say, “I am not like that”. My friend used to think, “I am not pushy like my mother, I am very friendly and tolerant towards others”. But as you can see, she has this attitude towards life precisely because she dislikes her mother’s attitude. What if her mother was neutral in her interactions with others? This girl surely should not have turned out to be a people pleaser that she is now.
Becoming rebel doesn’t necessarily mean that only unfavourable things would happen in life for the child. Say for example, father of a child always failed to keep up his promise of coming home early. If it is a sensitive child, he may have been so very disappointed with going always late to parties, he may turn out to be extremely punctual not just as a child but all through his life. All this doesn't happen consciously, most of the times we don't even realise our behaviour has any link to our parent’s behaviour, attitudes or traits.
Of course all these are the superficial aspects of life, which I discussed for a better understanding of how it impacts our attitudes. As we constantly rebel or copy our parent’s attitudes and behaviours, it shapes our lives very different from what we like to be. The problem with conditioning is, our behaviour is not in our control. We just behave in same habitual patterns again and again and we find it difficult to get out of those patterns. Our outlook towards life becomes as if we are in a closed box and cannot see any bright possibilities outside of it.
Let us now see how it impacts at a very different level. Say there is a normal, lower middle class family where parents experience lack in their life. There is a constant struggle to have a decent living, to spend cautiously, to save for future. There is also a feeling of not being able to buy all those nice things that other people can buy. But luckily, the child grows up with a good education and get a good job, he can afford a comfortable home and buy all those nice things. But can you imagine, how difficult it is to break that conditioning? He continues to exhibit the same cautious spending, penny pinching behaviours that the parents had. Even if he buys all those nice things, he feels bad about it, as if it is a waste of good money. It is a habitual pattern copied from his parents, which is difficult to get rid of.
Have you ever observed a super achiever? They seem to have done everything right, they plan well ahead for their careers, they seem to work hard, not leave a single stone unturned to succeed. We show that as an example to our kids, look at that uncle how well he did with his life, how hard he worked and how well he succeeded. But I have witnessed time and again, many of these achievers had parents who were bitterly disappointed with life, in their own careers or in other aspects of life. Some of them had sudden, disappointing turns in luck that upset their lives dramatically. Losing a well paid job, losing everything in business, unfortunate investments and so on. Or a father who is careless with money or who had no ambition at all or a even drunkard. The child may grow up determined not to let such things happen in their own lives. They cannot allow life to flow to them with ease but constantly struggle to make sure nothing goes wrong. It is always down to copying or rebelling parent’s attitudes towards life.
In this way, we either copy or rebel parents in so many aspects. We actually masked ourselves with the traits, attitudes, behaviours or belief systems of our parents. If we start asking ourselves as “WHO AM I”, almost 85% of our personality is either one or both the parents. We are living the life of our parents, their parents and their parents, we don’t know how many generations backwards. But are we here in this world to live our life or to live someone else’s life? Isn't it like being in a prison or wearing a uncomfortable mask?
If it is hard to believe that you are a photocopy or a negative of your parents or controlled by this conditioning, do a small experiment. Take a pen and paper and start writing down what all you like and dislike in your parents in separate sheets. You don’t have to show it to anyone, so start writing the list with courage. It is not insulting our parents or showing them down, it is just to realise if we really have the freedom to be who we are or do what we want to do. Now take each of these likes and dislikes and map them to your own behaviours. For example, your father is a very angry person and loses temper easily. And you dislike this aspect of him. Now think back on your own temper and jot down how do you behave in similar situations. Just jot it down as, “I copied” or “I rebelled”. Do that for as many as traits or behaviours or attitudes you have listed for your father. Then do the same exercise with your mother’s behaviours, traits or attitudes. You are the mosaic that comes out of all this copying and rebelling. Don't get too serious about it, make it a fun exercise. Once you identify what all you copied and rebelled, it becomes easy to let go. Knowledge is empowering. Just knowing the true picture will allow you to break free of those traits or attitudes or behaviours. There are many tools and techniques available to let go of conditioning, which we will discuss in upcoming articles.
Ramakrishna Maguluri
Engaging with life
ELAI
engagingwithlife@yahoo.com