Emotions are not present in our lives to be controlled, managed or denied. Emotions are present in life for us to feel them and also use them as most potent tools for self-awareness, for allowing greater experience of life. Emotions are just energy, which if allowed to flow through us, gives us insight and impetus for action in that particular situation. In fact, emotions play such a powerful role in our lives, they are not just life tools but also the core of our experience of life itself. Imagine how rich life would be if we are able to feel all our emotions in the moment but not remain in their grip, we then just flow with life in each moment. If we achieve emotional mastery through self-awareness, we have mastered life.

Most of us are in the grip of our emotions. During any particular day, we often get carried away by anger or sadness or fear. So we end up thinking if we control emotions, they will stop having a hold on us. But does it really work? In fact, if we constantly deny our emotions we are creating a pile up of emotional baggage that will drive us and control us in painful situations. We react from that space of pain instead of responding to the situation in the way we would like to handle it for our highest interest. When we get angry, we may definitely feel a release if we shout at the other person but it is not the best solution. The situation remains unresolved and will stay in our subconscious, the anger keeps popping up whenever we replay the situation or some other similar incident occurs. We keep facing more and more situations and more people who make us angry or depressed and it often is a never ending cycle. If in the same situation, you are able to state your stance clearly and calmly and also convey that the situation hurts you or distasteful to you as much as it is for them, you create a fair ground for resolving the issue.

But how do we reach to that place of remaining calm in face of any challenging situation? How do we achieve that emotional awareness? Why not make emotions useful tools in our hands, which they truly are?

We can get there by honestly acknowledging our pain in painful situations and allowing the emotions to show us what exactly is painful to us. Anger shows us where we feel threatened, Sadness shows us where we feel a loss, Envy shows us where we feel lack. If we take just one moment to reflect on what is shown by each of these emotions, we clearly see what we value in our self, in our relationships with others and in life itself!!

Let us take an example. Say your spouse or child replies back to you in not too amicable tone and you feel anger rising up in you. If in that moment, you allow yourself to feel the anger to flow through you (without expressing it) and identify what is the exact reason behind it, the emotion will give you the right answer. Do I feel pain because ‘I feel disrespected’, or ‘I feel unloved’, or ‘my authority is threatened’  or ‘I feel powerless’? Firstly, it allows you to pause in action and ponder just for a moment so that you don't get gripped by the emotion although you allow yourself to feel it in the moment. More importantly, it allows you to gain greater self-awareness so that you can work through the underlying issue. You can gain awareness about what gets you the feeling of being respected or valued or what makes you feel powerless and why you feel so. You are empowered to address the core issue. One critical element in this process is, to be honest with yourself about the pain while you accept the emotion with compassion towards yourself. Next time they shout at you, you do not have to personalise it, instead you can calmly state your stance and allow them to experience the situation through their own lens. In fact, you can help them through with their issues with loving kindness and compassion whenever they are open to it.

At first, it may feel daunting to honestly acknowledge our pain, it may take some practice and commitment to be consistent. But this is one sure way of achieving a state of equanimity that remains consistently within us. If we practice self-awareness just one or two times in any challenging situations, we realise it is easy to make it a way of being in life. Life responds to our inner state of being, when we reach a place of inner calm we see there are less situations that challenge us or cause us pain in life. Life starts flowing seamlessly as we just step back and experience the joy in that the flow.

-Ramakrishna Maguluri
Engaging with Life
ELAI