Why Men Hurt The Women They Love

“No one who has ever known me can believe what I did'' He is 35, with sandy hair, blue eyes and an innocent grin. There is dis- belief in his voice as he tells of beating the wife he loved, chok- ing her unconscious, and, at other times, pushing her face in the mud and holding a kitchen knife to her throat. His voice cracks as he remembers the young children he adores looking on in terror.

 

“How could I do that?'' he wonders now. “people know me as a good man. I own my business. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't chase other women.'' He is one of the men of all ages, races and classes who commit the secret crime that can happen next door to any of us: wife-beating.

 

According to one survey in America, a woman is battered by a husband or boy-friend every 18 seconds. And every year, it is estimated that more than a million of these women need medical help. Every day four die. “The violence was hard and fast,'' remembers a 39 year-old man from California.

 

“I realized that I could very possi- bly kill her. And what was really frightening was, I wanted to'' Wife-beating is a crime of rage and of power. “It is a pattern of coercive control,'' explain Susan Schecter, researcher at the Women's Education Institute in New York and author of Women and Male Violence. “One person dominates another, often making her afraid to do what she wants or even say what she thinks.''

 

Many times, the batterer feels he has a right, even a duty, to control his wife. If he has grown up in a violent home, he is more likely to use violence. Between beatings he controls her with shouting, name calling, intimida- tion and other emotional blows. He is haunted by the fear of losing the woman he loves. To keep her, he terrorizes her. It is love gone wrong. In a counselling group for violent one man tells of checking his wife's car mileage daily.

 

There are guilty laughs from the other men; they did the same thing. Another husband, jealous and possessive, disconnected the doorbell so his wife couldn't hear visitors ring. Also in a support group for battered wives, someone asks; “How many of you were accused of having an affair?'' Every hand goes up, though almost all of the women are innocent. Battering is also a crime of tradition. For hundreds of years, husbands had the right to beat their wives. Only in this century did it become illegal in most countries. Yet even today, wife-beating remains the assault for which police don't want to make arrests. “People continue to think of it as a private matter'' says Judge of a family court. “We need to see it as a public concern, too dangerous to ignore.''