Stop Fighting And Start Loving Again

The argument may start over something as simple as whether to buy an antique lamp. Soon your spouse accuses you of always being indecisive, and you point out that your partner is a hopeless spendthrift. The exchange ends abruptly when you stalk out of the room. Both of you feel resentful and misunder- stood, and both wonder: why do we keep getting into the same arguments over and over again?

Many couples get caught in circles of conflict they hate but can't seem to escape. Now, researchers who study the ways married people communicate are shedding new light on these patterns. They find three common threads. The first is the need to save face. “There is an image of yourself at stake that you feel you must defend, even though you know it isn't going to get you anywhere'' says Linda Harris.In a fight, he calls her a grouch. Her ego comes to her defence, and she calls him cruel.

That attacks his identity, which he must then defend. By now, the incident that triggered the dispute is lost. The second significant factor is misunderstanding: what one partner says is not what the other hears. He asks, “Is that a new sweater?'' He's thinking she looks great.

She replies, “I suppose you feel I've spent too much money again'' “Spouses who recycle fights,'' says Harris, “tend to read meaning into each other's statements that aren't there, or miss meanings that are there. Patterns of conflict are rooted more in the way husbands and wives relate to each other than in any personal flaw.

“Unfortunately, this is seldom the way people caught in the arguments see it. Instead, each partner vehemently blames the other for their problems. The third common characteristic of recurring arguments is that the issue on the surface is seldom what the real discontent is about. One wife and husband were caught in a pattern of arguing known as the “nag/withdraw'' syndrome.

Danger Signals : - Eventually husband got so resentful he'd provoke an argument. “I realize I'm not as orderly as wife'' says husband. “But I didn't want to be reminded of it all the time'' Three sessions with Linda Harris helped them see what they really fought about. Wife acknow-ledeged that what essentially bothered her was her husband's lack of physical attention:

“I wanted more everyday hugs and kisses.'' She had equated her husbands low-key style with how much, or how little, he cared about her. “I think a lot of my nagging was to spark more show of emotion. In fact, it had the opposite effect'' “She had a point'' husband concedes. “I've never given her as much spontaneous affection as she would like. But it's hard when someone is nagging. Since we're quicker to spot real issues now, we don't let tensions drag out'' Sometimes recycled arguments are no more that annoyances, but other times they are real danger signals of an unhealthy relationship, says psychologist John Gottman, “Couples caught in these circles are seldom close; often each partner feels unloved and belittled. But when they eventually face and resolve issues, there's a tremendous relief. Many couples report they feel 'in love again' ''

Taking Stock :- “Most of our hostility focused on how often Bob should play tennis on week-ends'' says Karen. He wanted to play both mornings. She thought they should take turns caring for their two young children. Finally, Karen told Bob she understood that tennis was very important to him and decided to say no more about it. “I listed all Bob's fine qualities and took stock of our marriage. It was too good to sabotage'' A few weeks later, Bob on his own proposed splitting baby-sitting on week-ends, with one morning out for Karen, one for him. This worked well.

Linda Harris says that co-operating or actually giving in when you don't want to, for the good of the relationship, can work wonders in shattering destructive patterns. Evan a small change can help. “If one of you says something new during a recurring argument, the other can't respond in the same old way''. According to Gottman, unhealthy fighters frequently make one of three mistakes :

They are too vague :- We may want more time or attention, but if these needs are only hinted at, they often surface as irritation. It's better to make honest requests such as “I'd like us to spend more time together on week-ends'' rather than “Why can't you even find time for me?'' They make requests in a negative rather than a positive way :- Their words come out sounding like putdowns rather than invitations :”you never ask me about my day'' instead of “I like it when you ask me about my day'' Phrase your complaints in encouraging rather than accusing ways. They don't listen :- Among all the communication skills listening is the most basic; it's also the easiest to learn and can help build trust and respect.

Here's how dialogue runs between husbands and wives who let each other know that they are listening – She : I had a miserable workload today. You're the only one I can talk to about it. He : Yes, but I hear problems at work all day. I don't want to hear more when I come home. She : you heard a lot of problems today? He : yes, I'm really all tired out. She : Okay, why don't you unwind. He : Fine we'll talk about your day. Healthy fighters realize that when they finish a fight, the relationship should be improved. Both partners egos should be intact.

They usually manage this by suggestions resolutions that include generous parts of compromise and creativity. They also realize change takes time. Therapists point out that in any intimate relationship, egos sometimes collide and personal styles grate. But if you establish a comfortable, workable pattern of communication, the relationship will have room for fighting words as well as loving whispers.