My Dearest Wife and My Dearest Husband

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

* We will wake the kids - 54 times

* It's too late - 15 times

* I'm too tired - 42 times

* It's too early - 12 times

* It's too hot - 18 times

* Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

* The neighbors will hear - 9 times

* Headache or backache - 26 times

* Sunburn - 10 times

* Your mother will hear us - 9 times

* Not in the mood - 21 times

* Watching the late show - 17 times

* Too sore - 26 times

* New hairdo - 6 times

* Wrong time of the month - 14 times

* You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I

DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year: Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

* Did not come home at all - 36 times

* Did not come - 21 times

* Came too soon - 38 times

* Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

* Cramps in your leg - 16 times

* Working too late - 33 times

* You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

* Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

* You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

* You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

* You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

* You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

* Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife:)