When it comes to men and sex, I’ve noticed that special requests usually come along the lines of an instant upgrade: if I’m giving a hand job, they ask for a blowjob, and if I’m giving a blowjob, well, why not full-on sex? That’s simple enough for me to handle if it makes sexytime shine. It wouldn’t be very egalitarian of us to hinthintHINT to our dudes with our Ten Things Men Forget to Do During Sex list without engaging in a little self-improvement ourselves. After the jump, we asked a few men—who, let it be known, all said “Don’t forget to touch our balls!”—to help us out.
1. Vocalize your enjoyment! Listening to a woman bellow in ecstasy “I’m … COOOOOOOMING!” is as good, if not better, than the sex itself.
2. … but don’t forget that other people in house/apartment nearby will hear you, especially if he is awkward about that sort of thing.
3. NO. TEETH. (What are you, eighteen? You should know that by now, really.)
4. Offering to let him come on your face will make his friggin‘ day. If that’s too porn-y for you, let him come on your chest instead.
5. That slow, gentle, tender sex you’re having? It’s probably for your benefit, not his. “Guys love the express train 90 percent of the time, so get off the local!” Maybe just be clear that there should be a fast sex/slow sex balance in the relationship, lest he think you like the jackhammering as much as he does.
6. Men don’t only love penis massages—they love back and shoulder massages, too. Making him come then rolling him over and mounting his butt to administer a back massage is a lovely way to bring on A Post-Coital Man Nap.
7. Wait to hop in the shower and wash all that dirty, dirty sex off. “Come back to bed after you’re done warding off a UTI in the loo when we’re finished—there’s nothing like savoring the moment.” Aww, they get lonely when we leave them in bed by themselves!
8. Boys have nipples, too, and sometimes, they can be very sensitive. His junk isn’t the only place he wants you to kiss!
9. Assume your guy’s anus is feeling neglected, too. “Don’t forget that some guys like a pinkie in the ass.” He just might be too embarrassed to ask for it, so let your fingers wander and see what happens.
10. Get out of the bedroom. “Women forget to have sex anywhere other than in bed without guidance.” I think this means he likes to do it in the shower?