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Old People Jokes

Old People Jokes

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man: "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample!"

The old man says: "What?" So the doctor yells it:

"I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says: "He needs a pair of your underwear!"


Three old guys, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning.

One says to another, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man answers, "it's Thursday."

The third guy, listening in, pipes up, "So am I! Let's grab a beer."


A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office. "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.

"That's why I want it lowered!"


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman,

"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


An old woman always wanted to join a motorcycle club; a big, bearded, tattooed, degenerate fellow quizzes her. 'Do you have a bike?' 'Of course, that's it over there parked under the tree.

' 'Do you drink?' 'Yep, drink like a fish and I can drink any of you fellows under the table.

' 'Do you smoke?' 'I smoke like a chimney and I can chain smoke like the best of you.

' 'Have you ever been picked up the fuzz?' The old woman has to think a little, 'no, but I've had my tits sucked dry on many occasions.'